Finals week is here. Luckily, I had 3 back-to-back finals this past Monday, so I’m done with this stressful week from hell. Thinking about everything that leads up to this week each semester inspired me to write this piece.

The Beginning

Growing up, I was always considered to be smart. I remember in school always being ahead and eager to learn. My parents would shower me in compliments for my good grades, and I was even more determined to do well. Most of up until 4th grade is a blur (which makes total sense in my eyes- I was around 5 and learning how to read time), but 4th grade is where I think my academic journey really started.

I remember going to drop off my school supplies a week or so before school started, a chance to meet my teacher and get to know them. I had a pencil case full of fun and colorful erasers and notebooks I specially designed myself with a little help from my mom, and the Michael’s craft store scrapbook paper isle.

The summer before 4th grade I was reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (admittedly one of my all-time favorite books & series). My teacher at the time, was absolutely shocked when I told him that was the book series I had been indulged in all summer. He was also reading that series. I was 9. He was married with kids.

It wasn’t incredibly outlandish that I was reading The Hunger Games. My Mom was always big on reading. A trip to Barnes and Nobles was a fun treat for me. Thinking back on this now, I realized that this was one of the moments when I started to realize I was a little bit more academically different, and I was smart. But not smart enough.

In 4th grade, math was a hot topic. We started learning division that year. I remember this so clearly because I absolutely with every bone in my body fucking hate math. Granted, I’ve never been good at it. It still sucks. I would throw myself off the kitchen table chairs when it came to homework each night (according to my Mom). Basically, I was able to understand and conceptualize the themes within The Hunger Games at age 9, but I couldn’t seem to at all grasp the wild concept of division.

In middle school I was a perfectionist. I was always a wildly weird and creative kid, with a million and one posters on my wall, covering every inch of space in my room. I was interested in things, knowing every detail of a book or movie series, dissecting an artist’s discography- all that. But when I got the 7th grade, suddenly I just had to be the smart kid. I considered a lot of classes to be a competition, and although I wasn’t the objectively ‘smart’ girl, I was still up there (in my opinion).

All of that disappeared in freshman year of high school. I don’t remember much of my first 2 years, at least academically. School was hard, not terribly difficult, but just not interesting. This is when I think I began to learn that if what I was learning wasn’t interesting to me, I wasn’t going to try as hard.

Because my junior and senior year were impacted by COVID, college decisions were tough. I was smart enough to get into good schools. My GPA was good, I was working hard. I wanted to finally be able to go somewhere and learn the things I wanted to learn. I was eager to find my niche.

Feeling Stupid

Flash forward to my junior year of college. I’m 2 semesters away from graduating with a B.A. in Communication, and I still think I’m just not smart enough.

Most of my learning in college (up until my major and minor classes) has been guided by the mindset- “study for the sake of getting a good grade”. The harshest reality of that is sometimes no matter how hard you study, you don’t always get a good grade. I can write papers with no effort and get 90’s, and then I study for hours for a test just to get a 75. I know I’m not a good test taker. Sometimes it works for me. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Something that made me feel a little stupider was the fact my brother (who is 3 and a half years younger than me) was incredibly good at math and science. He was acing the same classes I took in high school, the ones I would barely pass with a C.

So far, college has made me feel stupid. I don’t have a great GPA. My adjustment freshman year to college was hard, and the things I have gone through within the past year have affected it. I thought for a while that being smart would get me anywhere I wanted to in life, and if I wasn’t, I would essentially be fucked.

It has been so discouraging to see that I struggle with the basic courses I’m required to take. I’ve sat at my computer going through 4 or 5 GPA calculators over and over again, trying to seeing how I can bring it up to graduate with some type of honors that will make me appealing to the job world. I’ve wondered why I can sit and write really great things, but I can’t understand the basic study of astronomy. I think, like others, college has really taken a toll on my academic self-esteem.

News Flash: You’re Not Stupid

After working my ass off this past semester, I realized that my GPA doesn’t reflect me. And I think there needs to more emphasis on that. Of course, GPA is important. I’m not saying it’s not. But I think that sometimes the feeling of being smart, but not smart enough is far too common. I know tons and tons of people who I consider so intelligent. But by academic standards, they’re not exceptionally smart.

Being smart is often defined by how well you do in school, the GPA you graduate with, all that nonsense. Merriam-Webster defines smart as, “having or showing a high degree of mental ability : INTELLIGENT, BRIGHT”. Maybe your ‘high degree of mental ability’ is in something they don’t really teach in college. I think that’s the point I’m trying to reach here.

Recognizing my strengths and my weaknesses has definitely helped me. The frustration I would feel when my brother was getting an A in chemistry has now become a little less of a weighing feeling on my mind. I know what I’m good at, and I know what I’m not good at. I work harder to be better at the things I struggle with, but I don’t let my academic struggles define me. I think that’s the most important part.

Something that always makes me feel better is the basic Google search- “Successful people who did bad in school”. Always does the trick for me.

Be kind to yourself and have a good rest of finals week (for all those lucky to participate).

Xoxo,

Caroline