Most girls dream of looking just like their Pinterest boards. I am one of those girls. However, getting older has shown me the difference between wanting to copy my pins and wanting to be the girls in them.

I started getting more into fashion and clothes around 9th grade when I entered high school. I always had an interest in personal style, and I would gravitate toward fashion because it was one of the most accessible outlets for me to express myself. Still, now, it is one of the most comforting ways I am able to just be myself. I’ve found that finding what worked for me and made me feel confident wasn’t as easy as I expected. Turns out we’re not built to be just like our Pinterest boards.

High School

I’ve always had an abnormally skinny body. I am now grateful for the comfort I feel in my own body, but it wasn’t always that way. Coming into my freshman year of high school, I was a very anxious kid, but I didn’t let my anxiety over my outfits consume my thoughts. Up until that point, I dressed however I wanted. I wore what I thought was cool, and whatever I had that fit. High school was when it all started to shift.

I wasn’t at all considered ‘cool’ freshman year. About a few weeks into the year, I discovered Brandy Melville. Something about that yellow ‘honey’ crop top had me hooked. From there, I started to experiment ever so slightly with my outfits. I started gravitating towards the colors yellow and red. I remember Emma Chamberlain being my biggest inspiration at the time. Her teddy coat trend had me in a chokehold. In a lot of ways even now, Ms. Chamberlain still is one of my biggest fashion icons. By the end of freshman year, I had evolved from the quiet freshman baby who wore her Aeropostale jeans and American Eagle sweaters. I felt more confident in the pieces I had collected, and it made me feel like I finally was able to show the creative side of my personality. 

Into my sophomore and junior years, I started to really abuse Pinterest. I wanted to look just like the girls on my phone. Mall trips with my Mom often ended up with me crying or losing my temper. I became self-conscious of what made me feel confident just because I didn’t look just like the girl I spent hours stalking on Instagram. I didn’t have her butt, I didn’t have her boobs, and I felt like what I did have wasn’t good enough to make things work. I felt like I had the body of a 12-year-old at the ripe age of 17. I didn’t wanna listen when I was told ”it just wasn’t in my genes” to have bigger boobs or a bigger butt. But I also didn’t wanna hear the phrase “You should go eat a cheeseburger” anymore. I found myself stuck in the rut of “Do I have the ideal body?” or “Am I too skinny?”. After being locked up during COVID-19, I started to hate my body even more. I became obsessed with my clothes being ‘just right’. I wanted everything to suffocate me. Hating your body at some points in your life seems to be a part of girlhood. I would say, one of the worst parts.

Into my senior year, I felt myself start to lose my sense of style in a way. Prom is just one example. I had found the most perfect dress. It ticked all my boxes- was the most beautiful shade of red, perfect halter neckline, and made me feel like the most confident version of myself. I never wore that dress to prom. Instead, when going to pick it up, I had a breakdown. It didn’t seem to fit like it did the first time I tried it on. In reality, it did. I went back and forth about a dress I was going to wear for a few hours one night. I bought a dress I hated off the rack and spent the whole night miserable. All because of what? I was insecure.

College

I stayed home my first semester of freshman year and spent most of my time working at one of my favorite stores, Urban Outfitters. This is when I really began to develop my sense of style. Being surrounded by clothes for hours on end made me appreciate fashion in a different light. I noticed more about what was trending, and I felt like even as a silly retail employee, fashion really started to feel important to me.

When I transferred, I really found my niche. Most of my clothes were from Urban Outfitters, and if you know me, you have most likely borrowed something from my closet. At first, it was something that would start to make me think other people looked better in the tops I specifically bought for myself. I felt like I didn’t look as ‘sexy’ in the same tops. It wasn’t the greatest feeling to know that it was noticeable I couldn’t fill a going-out top the same way as one of my friends. It felt like a step back in any progress I’d made in feeling secure in my body.

Over the first few months of sophomore year, I started to feel like I became more recognizable for my fashion choices, and I became more confident in them. I embraced my flat chest and lack of curves. I chose what I liked and wore it because it made me happy. It took time, but I reached that point.

More recently, I have found a new love for the color black. It started with the constant nagging from my Mom, “You could wear something other than dark colors and black you know”. Finding a color that makes you confident seemed like a silly thing to me. Everyone had their favorite colors. Black just happened to be mine.

But what I didn’t realize throughout my cargo pants and black tube top phase, was that I genuinely felt confident. I thought I just liked the style. It started to hit me after that. I didn’t need pants to hug me in a way that would make my butt look bigger. I didn’t need a deep-v crop top to make up for the little amount of cleavage I had. I worked around my insecurities to express myself through my dream style, and after a while, those insecurities started to fade.

I began to accessorize more. I focused on growing my jewelry collection, and pairing different pieces according to different outfits- something I hadn’t done before. I stepped out of my comfort zone and kept up with the recent trends. I tried some and loved them, and the ones I didn’t love, I moved past. This is when I realized trends are a conveyor belt. You can choose what you like, and let the rest pass.

Now

Currently, fashion is a huge part of my life. I can spend hours a day scrolling through posts by Vogue without even a tiny feeling of boredom. I love my current sense of style not only because it makes me feel good, but because I think it reflects who I am as my own person. My Pinterest boards have started to reflect pieces I love and outfits I want to recreate, and fewer images of how perfectly a body looks in an outfit. A lot of what impacted my feelings about fashion surrounded the insecurities I had about my body. My growing interest in the industry has stemmed a lot from the bettering I’ve done to my relationship with my body. 

Body image can be a hard thing to grapple with. Your body is beautiful, and clothes are just an accessory. It took me a while to appreciate my body. I hope you can too. 

xoxo

Caroline