I tell myself things are ‘not that serious’ at least once a week. The absolute chaos that goes on in my head when I think too hard or deeply about something should really be studied. And it’s not just that I’m an over-thinker when it comes to some things, I just fail to put situations into perspective. It also doesn’t help that I’m quite an awkward person.

The amount of times I’ve left a room, conversation, party (basically any place with a lot of people), and thought about everything I said or did wrong is something I’m embarrassed about. I’ve shut down opportunities and closed the door on things other people probably wish for. And it’s all because I’m scared of who I am, of what people will think, and how embarrassing it would be if I fail. Nothing is embarrassing about being awkward. It’s honestly what makes the world go round. We’re all a little weird and odd and quirky. No matter how extroverted you may be, you can’t deny those awkward moments.

I’ve known that I can be a pretty socially awkward person for a large part of my life. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, cracking a joke that doesn’t make sense, having trouble with small talk- that’s not even the half of it.

Just the other day, I walked into a room for a meeting with a group of people who already knew each other. I’ve come across this situation time and time again, and I’ve done the same thing each time. I immediately texted my Mom. My text was something along the lines of “I don’t really know anyone”, “I’m nervous”, or “I feel left out”. I sat down, kept my eyes glued to my phone, and didn’t make any attempt to start a conversation. I would have wanted the whole room to think I was invisible if it meant I didn’t have to endure some small talk that would later run through my mind over and over.

It never crossed my mind that everyone wasn’t staring at me and overanalyzing every single little part about me. In reality, nobody could have cared less that a new girl walked into the room. I didn’t have a big sign on my forehead that screamed “I DON’T KNOW ANYONE HERE”. Except that’s exactly how it felt for me.

Oftentimes, I think socially awkward people are oblivious to the fact they’re socially awkward. But sometimes I think it’s not the case. This whole thing in general confuses me, the way you can become too overwhelmed and feel out of place so quickly. Something I think isn’t talked about enough when it comes to awkward conversations is how the comedown feels when it’s over. The feelings that overwhelm the body and mind can be suffocating.

One of the biggest things I’ve encountered in life is the way I often feel after even the simplest of conversations. I’ve never been the loudest in the room, and I’m often not the first to insert my opinion somewhere. Small talk is hard. Even a simple smile or wave to someone I know on the way to class can make me nervous. Did I smile enough? Were they actually waving at me? Stupid questions that swarm my mind after even the smallest of interactions.

Especially in college, everyone emphasizes the importance of getting to know everyone, putting yourself out there, and making as many friends as possible. This is where I have struggled. I wouldn’t say I’m a boring person, but when it comes to holding a conversation during a simple conversation on a Friday night out, I’m definitely boring. If you’re anything like me and you worry about how people might perceive you, this can really take a toll on you. Feeling like you can’t be yourself because you’re too scared to be judged or too nervous to speak up is a confidence killer.

Awkwardness comes in about a million different forms. It’s something we all feel. I’m still gonna text my Mom every time I feel a little out of place, or maybe said the wrong thing. But each situation has felt a little less scary since I’ve been back to school.

In all, I’m not really sure what I was attempting to write here. I’m awkward. Maybe you’re awkward too. We all say the wrong thing sometimes, and life isn’t this cookie-cutter, perfect world we are all meant to fit in. More than likely you’re gonna find yourself in a million more awkward situations in your life. It is what it is.

I’m no professional and could be totally wrong about everything I’ve said, so take it all with a grain of salt. Thanks for reading.

xoxo

Caroline